Sunday, April 24, 2011

Nightmares and Stuff

I had a nightmare the other night. I was on my final trip to collect my child. But this child was not Denis I will note, just the unknown child, as in how my dreams worked prior to meeting Denis. I was in line to check-in for the flight home from his/her country when I realized I didn't have his/her passport. I didn't have the child with me, there seemed to be a hurdle I had to pass where I had to get through the airline check in and then the child would magically appear. Except I didn't have the passport so I was going to fail this hurdle and then I was going to be stuck in the international adoption limbo.

I was frantically trying to call my mother (who passed away almost 7 year ago, long before I began my true adoption journey). But instead of calling my home phone number, the number that has been my home number my entire life, I was calling the house of a friend from work and getting her answering machine. Of course these calls were long distance and seemed to take forever to dial and connect. I'm not sure what I thought my mother on the other side of the world was going to do as the passport couldn't have been at home, but don't you always call Mom first when you run into trouble.

I was standing in that line slowly snaking our way up to the check in desk and frantically trying to get someone back home to look for the passport while all the time trying to appear calm as I knew all eyes were on me to see if I was good parent material.

The panic was so profound that when I woke up I found it near impossible to go back to sleep. It is hard to get past the anxiety and fear that is a part of your every day when you are in the process to adopt. You arrive home and poof, the fear that this wonderful child will be taken away from you should go away. But I've found that hasn't happened. I still find it hard to believe that Denis really is my son forever. It is a really strange feeling because at the same time Denis has so beautifully slipped into our lives that it feels like he has always been apart of our family, and not home for just over 2 months.

I mentioned to my brother just today how I can't believe that Denis is really here and that this is real life. He wondered how long the feeling will continue, or will it be just one of those things that months from now I'll suddenly realize that I haven't had that feeling for a very long time.

My brother told me how he has a hard time picturing Denis in our future. At first I wasn't sure what he meant. Then he explained how he can picture me and what I will be doing in 10 years, he has an idea of his life in those 10 years, and he can pretty well figure out how Kathryn's life will go, but he can't imagine Denis beyond how he is today. I thought a lot about what he was saying and realized I felt the same way. We really are just getting to know Denis and we can't imagine what his life or he will be like in the future. Scary and exciting at the same time.

Kathryn has been home for the Easter weekend. On Thursday my brother came home from work early so he could watch Denis I drove to her group home to pick her up. It was the first time I have been apart from Denis since I collected him from the baby house. There were tears on both are parts, and then some nakedness, but that was only with Denis, I kept my clothes on. My poor brother had to deal with trying to get a diaper back on Denis who thinks running around without a diaper to be the greatest game going.

When I have Kathryn home I feel so guilty at all times. I feel guilty for not being able to be with Kathryn the way I was prior to Denis coming into my life and I feel guilty for not being able to do things with Denis that I do when Kathryn isn't here. Guilt is so unproductive.

The plan had been for me to take Kathryn to mass this morning and then back to the group home while my brother looked after Denis, but last night Kathryn had 2 grand mal seizures. We tried to remember the last time she had seizures with us and it would have been quite a few Christmas' ago. She has been having a lot of drop seizures this winter/spring. My brother and I automatically start thinking that we did or didn't do something that caused her to have the seizures (again with that worthless guilt stuff). I'm thinking that this is just one of those years when she has a hard time with seizures.

We got her to bed last night around 11, fighting all the time as she just wanted to go to sleep. And then today she stayed in bed until 5 ish. It is worrisome as you can't get medicine into her and she didn't eat yesterday or today until she got up at 5. Now she is lying on the couch watching her Lawrence Welk and smiling away. She gets an extra day with us at home, and extra day to watch Lawrence and hang out with her siblings and nephew, not bad all considered.

Happy Easter by the way,


Anonymous said...

One day Izak was being particularly testy and not listening. I declared..."I am your only mother and you do have to do what I say!" Then I laughed and said "okay I am not your only mother but I am the one who takes care of you and yo do have to listen to me". It had happened, I had forgotten that we joined together through adoption.

Diane said...

As some point, and it goes unoticed, you stop thinking about adoption and it's just life. SUre it comes up from time to time but it's not so in the forefront. I remember one day saying to someone that I thought Ciera was going to be a lefty as it ran in the family, and a minuted later I thought "what the heck Diane she is not biologically connected??!!!". The fun part now is trying to figure out the nature vs. nurture on stuff she does.

I'm sure it's very hard on the Kathryn and Denis front, I feel the same guilt on the Ciera and Tienna front and while Ciera took a big "hit" on it at first, we are spending more one on one time, actually I am with both kids. But I have to think about it and plan it on purpose. You will find your groove soon, hang in there,