Poor Aunt Kathryn

Almost 2 weeks ago, I got a call from the group home to say that my sister was having drop seizures (my sister has a seizure disorder and drop seizures were a fact of life when we were kids) and she had a high fever.

(Kathryn and I in the fall of 2009)

The group home can't give medication, including something as simple as Tylenol, without a prescription, so they had to take her to the hospital emergency room to have her seen by a doctor. The doctor said she had a virus and they got the prescription for Tylenol.

(My beautiful sister, Denis has the same stunning blue eyes)

Then last Thursday, she still had the high fever between doses of Tylenol, so the staff of the group home took her to the family doctor. Unfortunately, the family doctor is away at the moment and her fill-in diagnosed a possible bladder infection or maybe pneumonia (which put her in hospital last year the day after Denis and I returned home). So the fill-in doctor prescribed an anti-biotic which would deal with both possibilities.

Today, the staff took her back to the hospital emergency room as she is still having lots of drop seizures and is not eating. She does have pneumonia, and the doctor at the hospital was really annoyed about the antibiotic she was prescribed last week as it doesn't work well for pneumonia.

The killer is I haven't been able to see her. Denis was sick last week with a high fever and cough. And then on the weekend my back went out and I just couldn't face getting in and out of the car. I feel so bad that I can't be with her when she is so sick. This time last year I was in those first days home with Denis and I was visiting her at the hospital once or twice a day, but not being with her ALL the time was the hardest thing I had to accept.

(Thanksgiving Dinner 2010 - just before leaving to meet Denis)

Before Denis, Kathryn was like my child. I've had an active roll in her care since I was 9 years of age. At that age, she was having lots of drop seizures and couldn't feed herself. I begged to be allowed to feed her during family meals. So I would sit at the table and feed her, and then eat my meal afterwards (okay, I should mention that I really have ADHD, and sitting through a whole meal and only eating was painful when I was a child, this was SO much better).

Today I feel guilty not being there for her, but I have to face the reality that caring for her is much more than one person can do. In fact, growing up there were always 4 adults working together to look after her. When we were young, it was my parents and maternal grandparents. With my grandparents passing, my brother and I were able to step in and help. Today, there is just my brother and I, and we work full time and have Denis.

In other words, I know this is for the best and that I am doing what I can, but my heart feels like I'm letting her down. Her learning level is very similar to a 2 year old, but she seems to understand a lot. Luckily she is never mad at me, she loves the time I spend with her and accepts what I can do with her. I really should take a page from her book and enjoy the time we do spend together and let it go when I can't be with her.

Get's My Goat

I've wondered this year, if birth parents get asked if motherhood is what they expected. I'll be with people who know that I adopted and they always seem to ask if being Denis' mother is what I expected it would be like. Most often the ones asking are parents themselves.

Now, how do you answer that question.

Yes, in many ways being a parent finally is exactly like I thought it would be.

• From the sleepless nights to the joy of watching your child do something for the first time has been exactly how I ever imagined and thought it would be.
  
• I knew there was an intimate relationship between a mother and child that is special.
  
• I knew there is a secret society of mothers where we just nod or smile at each other and share a ton of acknowledged information.
  

This is exactly how I expected my life to be. I knew it would change me as a person and as a teacher, that I would have a different perspective looking at the world.

And then...

No, I could never in my life imagined the reality of being Denis' mother.

• I never knew I could love this child as much as I do.
  
• I could never image that utter terror when he disappeared out of my sight.
  
• I could never image the sense of contentment I feel when he lays his head on my shoulder or the utter joy when he gives me a kiss just because.
  
• Could I have imagined days when I have had enough and I can't wait until he goes to sleep.
• Or the relief I feel dropping him off at day care knowing I can have a few hours peace while he has fun.
  
• I could never imagine a life where my sister's needs didn't come first nor a time where I would realize how exhausting and draining it has been caring for my sister.
• I never thought that he would be a child who would demand my constant attention and find playing alone impossible.
  
• Did I think I'd be the kind of parent who uses a DVD and tv to get a few minutes peace from my child, NEVER. But that is the reality.
  

And how come no one ever mentions that dressing a toddler is a full contact sport! I've had so many hits to the head I think I might be needing a hockey helmet.

Is this what I expected, I still don't know how to answer that question. Is parenting your child what you expected. Is what you do today what you expected you would do today?

Happy Valentine's Day

A year ago today ...
What a wonderful year we have had My Little Man. I'm so happy to be your mom and I love you more each day!

Snow FINALLY

It snowed this weekend. We've had a few other snow falls this year, but the weather would immediately turn warm and the snow would melt. This weekend it was very cold, so the snow stayed and Denis got to go outside to play.

Yesterday, it was -13 C and there was a wind chill, but we HAD to go outside to play. Denis and I went out into the garden to play. I had had enough after about 20 minutes, but Denis wanted to keep playing. I think next time I won't dress him so well so he feels the cold sooner and wants to go in. Sure, as if that would happen, either part.


I took some pictures. They are not the greatest photos as I damaged the LCD screen of my camera and I can't see what I'm photographing. I keep meaning to get the camera fixed but...

Oh, and just for fun, here is photo of Denis with his new slippers. They are empty tissue boxes, just don't notice the lack of pants. Maybe this is not a good photo to send for the post placement update LOL.

Baby in Da Tummy

One of Denis' caregivers from the day care is pregnant. I noticed a couple of weeks ago. I haven't said anything to Denis or to the caregiver as it did seem to be early days yet.

On Thursday, as we were driving home, Denis says, "SH. has a baby in her tummy". And then he says, "Baby not get cold in there. SH keep baby warm, too cold for baby (pointing out the window of the car)".

I love the reasoning of 3 year olds.