Saturday, July 10, 2010

What's the Hardest

A friend asked me the other day what was the hardest part of the waiting, and that has been in my head for the past few days. Well here's my list.

  • Explaining to friends, family and acquaintances that you haven't heard anything just yet for the umpteenth time, then having to explain that there is nothing I can do to hurry the process
  • Telling your boss that you still don't know when I'll be away from work
  • Having to decide whether or not you should sign up for/ pay for/ agree to anything that will be happening in the future,
  • Even worse is the thinking that I am dooming myself to definitely being here because I said "no" to an invitation to attend an event in 6 months from now
  • The important days which you thought would be so different this year because there would be a little one in the house with you
  • Reading on other family blogs how much faster the process moves for them
  • Stopping the negative thinking that my turn will never happen, or that I'm somehow not as worthy as the families already traveling
  • Worrying about the things I don't know about that I should have done and will only learn I need to do when I have very little time to do them because I'll have my LOI and need to go

Truly, the waiting is an every day occurrence which you don't actively think about on most days, it is just there. I only begin to think deeply about waiting when something occurs that gives substance to the period of time I'm waiting.

Days like the one last week when I was purchasing 5th birthday gifts for my friend's son John. He was just a newborn when his mother wrote her reference letter for my home study. It is hard because I begin to think I've missed something during this waiting time. My girlfriend and I talked about how my child and her son would be friends and we'd have play dates.

Waiting is hard, that is a fact, but what always sustains me is the belief that there is a child waiting for me and I just have to be patient because he/she may not to ready yet.


Stacey and Dave said...

Speaking as someone who's been there - done that - I totally understand how hard it is to wait. But it's true - everything happens for a reason. Though you may not be able to explain it now, one day soon, when you've met the child who is destined to be yours, all the craziness in the universe will suddenly make sense.
Hang in there - your turn will soon come!

Diane said...

Well said Stacey, I was thinking pretty much those exact thoughts and then I read your comment.

Every once in awhile, even though I've been this road before, I still have those thoughts too can you not, it's been a long haul. Every day the end is slighly closer in sight.

Your partner in waiting,

Beth said...

another voice of "been there...know what you are feeling" and also..."Still there..."! Waiting is hard....we started our adoption process with China over 44 months ago...we are still waiting. I know now there is a reason we ended up on this path. Some day you will look back and say, "OH THAT is why...." But yeah...I know right now it just STINKS...TOTALLY STINKS!!!

Kelly and Sne said...

Boy can we relate to this! Though we have also learned through two processes that Murphy's Law is in full force. The more important the event that you schedule/pre-pay/agree to, the most likely you will get your LOI. Trust me, it works!

Gabriel & Brooke said...

Wow Stacey, it's insane how identical our feelings are to yours right now. My husband and I reviewed this exact list this past weekend. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes, because I just told my husband a few days ago, "no one knows how hard it is to adopt a child". How naive I am. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it's a true blessing to be reminded that we aren't the only ones hurting for our child.

keoghclan said...

Hi Michelle.

I feel for you. You have been a long time waiting. Enough already, enough.

Things have changed so much since we came home with Orin. (and we thought ours was a long process at the time, which now sounds insane!!!)

Wishing you the best of luck, also recognizing your feelings.....the wait is so so hard (and never ending)also the feeling of you are not sure what you should plan on doing and not plan on doing in the next few months. and shouldn't because your life is almost on hold.

Mary K.

Mel said...

Yes, Yes, and Yes. We completely agree with you Michele. It's not easy... and the constant pecking questions do not help. But there must be a simple explanation for this: it's not our time yet. At least, that's the straw I'm grasping at right now.

Thanks for sharing!

In the same boat,