What's the Hardest

A friend asked me the other day what was the hardest part of the waiting, and that has been in my head for the past few days. Well here's my list.

• Explaining to friends, family and acquaintances that you haven't heard anything just yet for the umpteenth time, then having to explain that there is nothing I can do to hurry the process
• Telling your boss that you still don't know when I'll be away from work
• Having to decide whether or not you should sign up for/ pay for/ agree to anything that will be happening in the future,
• Even worse is the thinking that I am dooming myself to definitely being here because I said "no" to an invitation to attend an event in 6 months from now
• The important days which you thought would be so different this year because there would be a little one in the house with you
• Reading on other family blogs how much faster the process moves for them
• Stopping the negative thinking that my turn will never happen, or that I'm somehow not as worthy as the families already traveling
• Worrying about the things I don't know about that I should have done and will only learn I need to do when I have very little time to do them because I'll have my LOI and need to go

Truly, the waiting is an every day occurrence which you don't actively think about on most days, it is just there. I only begin to think deeply about waiting when something occurs that gives substance to the period of time I'm waiting.

Days like the one last week when I was purchasing 5th birthday gifts for my friend's son John. He was just a newborn when his mother wrote her reference letter for my home study. It is hard because I begin to think I've missed something during this waiting time. My girlfriend and I talked about how my child and her son would be friends and we'd have play dates.

Waiting is hard, that is a fact, but what always sustains me is the belief that there is a child waiting for me and I just have to be patient because he/she may not to ready yet.