Return for Refund

I can't stop thinking about the family who sent the little boy back to Russia. It is totally inconceivable to me that someone would put child onto a plane for such a lengthy flight with a stranger solicited on the Internet to go to the airport to collect. I'm still struggling with my thoughts on this issue. I keep asking myself how someone could do that, why would someone feel that was the only option available to them. And how is that little boy ever going to survive with this additional strike to his concept of self-worth.

I know that for some children life has not been a picnic, in fact their experiences are worse than many of the plots of popular horror movies. These little ones are trying to copy with abuse, neglect, FAS, PTSD, and all the trauma that international adoption begets. This is where RAD may come in, which could have been the behaviour described by the family.

What I keep coming back to is the need for education and information. I wonder how prepared the family who attempted to adopt this little boy actually was before they brought him home. And I don't mean in a physical sense. You can have a room ready in your house, toys and clothes in the closet, but that is not the real sense of readiness. One has to be ready for a child, a real living individual with needs and wants and reality separate from mine.

I heard a speaker today at a conference. He said we live in a time of illusion. Our heroes are TV and movie characters or the actors who portray them. We pretend that death is not a definite but a distant possibility. And when we can't deal with reality we are medicated with anti-depressants. It was an interesting theory, and very depressing.

I reflected on his message in light of my pending LOI and trip to Kazakhstan. I definitely have a dream of my life with my son/daughter to be. Most mornings I awaken remembering dreams involving some aspect of parenthood or the adoption journey. My dreams are warm and fuzzy filled with love and laughter, the dream every parent has for their future.

I also have nightmares. I've taught children with Fetal Alcohol syndrome and effect. I've had 7 boys with Autism Spectral Disorder in my classes over the years and know that recent figures put say that 1 in 200 children have some form of autism. I've also taught children affected by abuse, drugs, neglected, well the list could go on. I worry about my child having any of these afflictions.

But one thing I know, I will be asking for support to learn how to raise my child. This child I dream about, when he/she is my reality it will be forever.

Amen.

Two Hearts For Hope

One of my favourite past times while I'm on this journey to parenthood is of course reading adoption blogs. I usually go to Lots of Kaz Blogs at least once a month to see if there are any new blogs to follow.

While on Lots of Kaz Blogs I learned about Two Hearts for Hope. Two Hearts was started by two mothers, Kim and Stacy, who created their families through adoption in Kazakhstan. Upon returning home they couldn't stop thinking about the children still living in the baby homes and children homes. They decided to start to fund raise to send shoes I believe so the children could go outside more. Now they are a large organization facilitating the regular donations of needed materials to some of the baby and children homes in Kazakhstan.

Today there is a group of people in Almaty from Two Hearts preparing to construct a fabulous playground for the children living in Children's Complex. There are about 350 children living in this home. Can you imagine their excitement at having a fabulous playground on the grounds of their home to play on?

If you want to follow the mission to Almaty over the next few days here is the Two Hearts Blog.

By the way, the Christmas ornaments I blog about on January 9th were purchased from Two Hearts to support the construction of the playground. I finally was able to give the ornaments to Loretta, Diane and MarieClaude today.

While Wating

Now, I don't want you to think that I've some how turned into a hermit while I wait for my LOI. No, I've actually been busy, very busy. And I've had many great adventures with my fellow adoptive parents. Here are a few photos to illustrate.

On the Family Day holiday, Diane, Ciera and I went to the airport to meet Mary Lisa and Murat return to Canada with their new daughter Darya. It was fun waiting at the arrivals door, but nerve racking too as we were afraid we might have some how missed them.

Here is Darya with family. And Ciera checking out an airport dinosaur.

During March Break Sheila and family came to Toronto to celebrate Nauryz. We spent a couple of days visiting together. The weather in March was remarkable and one day we went to Pioneer Village.

XiuZhu: The gang taken by XiuZhu: Dastan and chocolate covered Alex.

Here is a nice picture XiuZhu took of me.

On the Spring Equinox we celebrated Nauryz, Kazakhstan New Year, with many others in our Kazakhstani adoption community. There were around 65 in all at the get together, 25 were children with a majority between 2 and 3 year olds. The noise level was loud. We talked, laughed, shared stories and ate some wonderful food provided for the pot luck. The children either played ball, rode around on their toys or did a ton of arts and crafts.
Here is a picture of Loretta and Alex playing with the play dough, which was also a great hit at the party. Diane and I are already talking about our Republic party in October.

Dastan loved riding on this dump truck, last year he tried to sit in the payload area. Alex loves to take pictures. Ever wonder what a picture taken by a 2 year old looks like, well here's one taken of me by Dastan

And finally on the Sunday end of the March Break we went to IKEA for dinner and then back to Sheila's hotel for swimming. While Ciera and XiuZhu enjoyed the play area (isn't that why you go to IKEA) the boys entertained each other while Shiela, Diane, Loretta and I enjoyed a great gab fest. Sheila lives way to far away.

And that summarizes February and March's get togethers with AP's.
I was also very busy knitting and watching the winter olympics. Its was fun to watch and cheer for two countries, Canada and Kazakhstan.

Do you like the hat Baby's Elephant is wearing? It is for me, but I finished it in time for our beautiful spring weather, I'll try it out next year.

Simply in the Springing of the Year

I found A Prayer in Spring, by Robert Frost while looking for a prayer to begin my meeting yesterday. This spring has been absolutely beautiful especially the flowering trees, they are exquisite. I wanted a prayer to celebrate this remarkable spring.

I liked the poem as I really felt it speaks to me at this point in my adoption journey. I'm so focused on getting to Kazakhstan and becoming a Mommy that I'm not really living today, enjoying what I am doing now. I need to remind myself to stay in the moment.

The first stanza says to 'give us pleasure in the flowers to-day; and give us not to think of far away as the uncertain harvest; keep us here all simply in the springing of the year'. Isn't that what we tend to do when we are waiting. We think of bringing the baby home, being a mom, sleepless nights, introducing our child to friends and family, all those things that define parenthood, a dream for so many years.

I once said to my friend Megan, who hopes to travel with me to Kazakhstan, not to put her life on hold waiting to hear when I'll travel. And putting my life on hold is how I have been living. It is so hard to live a month at a time, not being able to agree to doing things because you might get the call. Okay, I'll be truthful, sometimes I even resent this process because I figure I could be doing so many other things with my time and money. But luckily I get to spend some wonderful quality time with my friends and their children, and it reminds me the goal is so worthwhile.

But I'm going to try to stay in the moment as I wait, to enjoy each and every day and not feel like my life is too much on hold.

A Prayer in Spring by Robert Frost

Oh, give us pleasure in the flowers to-day;
And give us not to think of far away
As the uncertain harvest; keep us here
All simply in the springing of the year.

Oh, give us pleasure in the orchard white,
Like nothing else by day, like ghosts by night;
And make us happy in the happy bees,
The swarm dilating round the perfect trees.

And make us happy in the darting bird
That suddenly above the bees is heard,
The meteor that thrusts in with needle bill,
And off a blossom in mid air stands still.

For this is love and nothing else is love,
The which it is reserved for God above
To sanctify to what far ends He will,
But which it only needs that we fulfil.

Hello, Still Here

Hello, (Oh, did you hear that echo?)

I know it has been almost 3 full months since I last posted, but I'm still here. (Oops, let me get the dust off of this blog... cough, cough, okay that's better.)

Yes, here!

As in .. not there!

As in I'm still waiting!

Truthfully the waiting has been excruciatingly difficult. My file left Canada in late June of last year. And after it left Canada I never received another update as to where in the wilds of the world my dossier was residing. And as I naturally go about my life, I PANICKED. Was it lost, was it wrong, didn't they like me.

I know that this is really an impersonal process, which we attempt to make personal through our home study, letters of reference, and photos. But as I wait I can help falling into the negative mind trap that some how I'm not hearing because I'm not good enough. How silly is that!

Anyway, last Friday I received the email I'd been long waiting for. My file is in a known space. My file is registered in Uralsk!

Now I'm in that final stage of waiting. The waiting to get my LOI. I understand that a lot of people are also waiting to hear from Uralsk, and yet no LOI's have been issued so far this year. Now I finally feel like I can beginning getting ready for the LOI as I know where I'm going. I know I'll be in Uralsk for roughly 3 months, so I preparing DVD's for watching and yarn for knitting. I'm thinking about clothes to get me through 2 seasons. And getting this all packed in as light a suitcase as possible.

Knowing something is such a good feeling.

Knowing everything (like when I'll travel) would be even better.