What's the Hardest

A friend asked me the other day what was the hardest part of the waiting, and that has been in my head for the past few days. Well here's my list.

• Explaining to friends, family and acquaintances that you haven't heard anything just yet for the umpteenth time, then having to explain that there is nothing I can do to hurry the process
• Telling your boss that you still don't know when I'll be away from work
• Having to decide whether or not you should sign up for/ pay for/ agree to anything that will be happening in the future,
• Even worse is the thinking that I am dooming myself to definitely being here because I said "no" to an invitation to attend an event in 6 months from now
• The important days which you thought would be so different this year because there would be a little one in the house with you
• Reading on other family blogs how much faster the process moves for them
• Stopping the negative thinking that my turn will never happen, or that I'm somehow not as worthy as the families already traveling
• Worrying about the things I don't know about that I should have done and will only learn I need to do when I have very little time to do them because I'll have my LOI and need to go

Truly, the waiting is an every day occurrence which you don't actively think about on most days, it is just there. I only begin to think deeply about waiting when something occurs that gives substance to the period of time I'm waiting.

Days like the one last week when I was purchasing 5th birthday gifts for my friend's son John. He was just a newborn when his mother wrote her reference letter for my home study. It is hard because I begin to think I've missed something during this waiting time. My girlfriend and I talked about how my child and her son would be friends and we'd have play dates.

Waiting is hard, that is a fact, but what always sustains me is the belief that there is a child waiting for me and I just have to be patient because he/she may not to ready yet.

Summer's a Fine Time to Wait

Yup, I'm still waiting. My file has been in Kazakhstan for over a year now. I hope to learn more in the fall about when I'll travel. I've heard that there have been no LOI for Uralsk so far this year. I'd thought that I would have traveled in the fall of '09, now I'd be delighted to travel in '10.

So, I guess I have the summer to enjoy.

What Were They Thinking

Sometimes....

I've been telling the staff at my sister's group home about my adoption plans since they began. Last month when I knew I'd be going to Uralsk, I told the staff that I would be away from Canada for roughly 3 months. They responded that my sister would miss me.

Something seemed to be missing. I would have liked to have discussed some plan to help my sister who is profoundly developmentally understand that I am away and I will return. We've lost both our parents, Dad 9 years ago and Mom almost 6 years ago. I want my sister to know that I am coming back. Leaving Kathryn and not having a means of communicating with her is a huge worry for me. Kathryn can't use the telephone, and I don't think she'd understand seeing me on a computer via Skype, she might think I'm really some where close, it would be more upsetting than helpful I fear.

On Tuesday Kathryn had a dental appointment, she sedated so it is a LONG appointment for us, we arrive at 8:30 and got out of the office around 2:30. While we sit and watch her sleep, her main care giver and I have a long time to chat. So I revisited the issue of me being away for so long.

Hello, the staff at the home didn't put it together: Me away = Kathryn doesn't go home on the weekend. What were they thinking??????

As I type this Kathryn is lying on the couch watching her favourite tv show Lawrence Welk. It has always been MY decision to bring my sister home on weekends. There is a lot of work involved with caring for my sister, something I love to do. But think of this, my sister's abilities are equal to a 2 year old. She cannot take care of herself or any of her personal needs. She can feed herself, but again, think 2 years old- how does spaghetti sauce get all over your hair, an unexpected 3rd shower to wash hair at bed time isn't totally unusual. And the laundry, well it isn't unusual for me to find myself doing 5 to 7 loads of her laundry on the weekend, and this is only the stuff she uses when she is with me. This to me is normal. I've dealt with it my whole life. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact.

I live with my brother, and it is with his support that I am able to care for Kathryn. BUT the group home staff thought that my brother would continue to bring her home like usual while I'm out of the country. I don't bring my sister home if my brother is away for the weekend. You cannot care for a profoundly developmentally handicapped adult alone and work at a full time job. Oh, never mind that we, my brother and I, might actually like to have a life. The staff member actually got mad and said my brother had to step up.

Taking my sister home on weekends is a choice, it is not a requirement. Of her 7 housemates, only 3 of the other girls go home, and that is to with their parents. We are Kathryn's siblings. We adore her, but we do not have to take care of her. My brother is ever so patient with my sister, and I know he will be wonderful with his niece/nephew. But that's the point, he will be an uncle, not a parent. Truly, what are our obligations as siblings?

I now have to make an appointment with the supervisor to discuss how we are going to deal with the fact I'm going to be away for such a long time. You'd think 4 years would have been enough prep time.

5 Years Ago

This week marks the fifth anniversary of one of the most difficult weeks of my life. I was teaching grade 2/3 at the time and helping my students finish their unauthorized biographies of their mothers. (I have to tell you those books were the most precious texts, and the best idea I'd ever had for a Mother's Day gift. Many of the Moms tell me the book is their most prized possession. The children wrote about their mother's likes, dislikes, goals, fears, favourite and most hated things, all from their 6 and 7 year old perspectives.)

Anyway, back to why that week was so bad. My mom had passed away the year previously and I had moved my little sister into her group home 8 months earlier. I was feeling very down. Then some trivial thing happened, can't remember what exactly, and I started crying and crying (luckily I got myself out of the classroom and had a friend take over). For anyone who doesn't know me, this was completely out of character. I'm very much in control of my emotions, I've even been called cold by some 'friends'. I'm the kind of person who tears up a bit at a sentimental commercial or sad movies, but with my own life I'm more likely to be making a joke and laughing.

My principal at the time brought me into her office and made me a cup of tea. She tried consoling me but I kept saying I didn't know why I was crying. She finally said I was probably grieving my mother as the weekend would be the first Mother's Day without her.

I knew that wasn't the case. Don't get me wrong, I really miss my mother and I think about her every day. Even though I lived with my mother, I still called her multiple times a day to chat and in her final few years I worked close enough to come home for lunch a couple of times a week. Mom and I were very close. But we never celebrated Mother's Day in May. In our house, we celebrated in on September as that when my brother and I were born.

As I told my principal, that no it wasn't my mother that I was missing, the truth hit me. I would never have a child make me a Mother's Day gift. I'd never have a little one to love and raise as my own. At that point the tears really began to fall.

Practical and blunt as she always was, my principal said, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself pregnant." I looked at her in shock. Oh, maybe I should mention, besides being single, I actually teach for a Catholic school board.

She laughed at my shocked face. And then she said, "If being pregnant and single isn't for you, why don't you adopt a child? You are a wonderful teacher and you would be a wonderful parent."

That night I began researching adoptions. I didn't begin my actual journey/paperwork right away as I knew I still needed to do some healing with the loss of my mother and my feelings about moving my sister into a group home. But that night, I began those first steps to motherhood, 5 years ago this week.

Return for Refund

I can't stop thinking about the family who sent the little boy back to Russia. It is totally inconceivable to me that someone would put child onto a plane for such a lengthy flight with a stranger solicited on the Internet to go to the airport to collect. I'm still struggling with my thoughts on this issue. I keep asking myself how someone could do that, why would someone feel that was the only option available to them. And how is that little boy ever going to survive with this additional strike to his concept of self-worth.

I know that for some children life has not been a picnic, in fact their experiences are worse than many of the plots of popular horror movies. These little ones are trying to copy with abuse, neglect, FAS, PTSD, and all the trauma that international adoption begets. This is where RAD may come in, which could have been the behaviour described by the family.

What I keep coming back to is the need for education and information. I wonder how prepared the family who attempted to adopt this little boy actually was before they brought him home. And I don't mean in a physical sense. You can have a room ready in your house, toys and clothes in the closet, but that is not the real sense of readiness. One has to be ready for a child, a real living individual with needs and wants and reality separate from mine.

I heard a speaker today at a conference. He said we live in a time of illusion. Our heroes are TV and movie characters or the actors who portray them. We pretend that death is not a definite but a distant possibility. And when we can't deal with reality we are medicated with anti-depressants. It was an interesting theory, and very depressing.

I reflected on his message in light of my pending LOI and trip to Kazakhstan. I definitely have a dream of my life with my son/daughter to be. Most mornings I awaken remembering dreams involving some aspect of parenthood or the adoption journey. My dreams are warm and fuzzy filled with love and laughter, the dream every parent has for their future.

I also have nightmares. I've taught children with Fetal Alcohol syndrome and effect. I've had 7 boys with Autism Spectral Disorder in my classes over the years and know that recent figures put say that 1 in 200 children have some form of autism. I've also taught children affected by abuse, drugs, neglected, well the list could go on. I worry about my child having any of these afflictions.

But one thing I know, I will be asking for support to learn how to raise my child. This child I dream about, when he/she is my reality it will be forever.

Amen.