My LOI has arrived

Yesterday I was at an all day conference on teaching disadvantaged children. After lunch I looked at my cell phone to see if I had received any calls. There was a call and voice message from my agency. (Tingles, stomach lurching, breath stalling)

I jumped up, nearly mowing a co-worker down, and went outside to listen to the message. It simply said "Hi Michele, I won't keep you waiting, I've received your Letter of Invitation." Now, there was more to the message, but I immediately stopped the message and called my agency. Krista answered the phone and I got to hear those wonderful words again. "We're received your LOI. It is for November 15, 2010 to February 15, 2011"

Krista and I talked for a few more minutes, she told me she was sending me an email and asked if I had any more questions. NO, I had no questions, I had a brain pretty much refusing to work. My LOI had arrived. I'm in LABOUR! After a 60 month pregnancy I was finally on my way to actually meeting my child.

I am proud to say that I didn't cry, scream, or throw up while I was on the phone with Krista, but I certainly felt like it. When we ended the call, then I began to cry. Luckily my friends Nadia, Catherine and Rosie had decided to spend the end of lunch outside for a little walk , so I stumbled over to them crying and they were all concerned until I started saying "I got the call, I got the call." They immediately knew I was referring to the adoption call and began hugging and crying with me.

Needless to say I really wasn't able to pay attention to much of the remainder of the presentation. I was so happy to have the call come during such a conference as the last time I got a significant update (learning my region) I was all alone in my office and that was very difficult. I was there alone and had no one to call or tell as everyone was in schools or doing presentations. This time, my entire department, all the Superintendents and 2 other departments were all together and I was able to go and tell everyone right away. I even let the person doing the presentation know what was up, and she gave me a big hug and thank me for sharing my exciting news.

I called Loretta and Diane to share my exciting news. I tried to call my best friend Anna, who 'til June was in the same job as me and would have been at this conference, but instead she was at work at a high school. So I left her a voice message and a text. I called Maureen, my forever friend, who I grew up with, but she was at lunch, for her I left a cryptic message saying "I got THE call." As soon as she read it she was calling me right back. It was so nice to have all these people around to share my news. I had to also call Robin, who until June was my work partner, she was doing her first major presentation for the Ministry of Education, so I left a message on her cell phone, and I was able to speak to her in the evening. There are still some friends, and a ton of family I need to call and tell, how fun is that?!

The funny thing is, my brother was the last to know as I couldn't get hold of him, even though I called his school while he was on lunch. I didn't want to leave a message for him as I didn't want anyone on his staff to learn the news before him, so I simple left a message saying I'd pick him up after work, as he'd had to take the bus to work that morning. I finally was able to tell him when I arrived at his school at 3:30.

Of course, I always think of my late mother first. I immediately, after hearing the news from Krista, wanted to call my mother and talk to her. Never is the instant thought of 'I'll call Mom' closer than now. I know how much my mother wanted to be a Granny. I'm sad that my child-to-be will never know my wonderful parents. But I know that the strength and patience that I needed to get through this journey to this point and my ability to open my heart and life to a child and all the people who have become family on this journey is their never ending gift to me.

The greatest gift my parents gave me was a sense of humour and the ability to laugh. It might be strange for people who know me to learn that I was a very sensitive and serious child. I had no sense of humour. If they hadn't taught me to see life through humour and laugh as easily as I do, oh this journey, and life in general, would have been miserable. My home rang with laughter growing up, and today, my brother and I still laugh a great deal. I always say that my brother makes me laugh, and that to me is a true gift.

Child to be, I will hopefully be meeting you in 65 days. I am looking forward to loving and laughing with you soon. Love you Mom!

OMG I'm going to be a MOM! Isn't that the greatest thing in the world!

What's the Hardest

A friend asked me the other day what was the hardest part of the waiting, and that has been in my head for the past few days. Well here's my list.

• Explaining to friends, family and acquaintances that you haven't heard anything just yet for the umpteenth time, then having to explain that there is nothing I can do to hurry the process
• Telling your boss that you still don't know when I'll be away from work
• Having to decide whether or not you should sign up for/ pay for/ agree to anything that will be happening in the future,
• Even worse is the thinking that I am dooming myself to definitely being here because I said "no" to an invitation to attend an event in 6 months from now
• The important days which you thought would be so different this year because there would be a little one in the house with you
• Reading on other family blogs how much faster the process moves for them
• Stopping the negative thinking that my turn will never happen, or that I'm somehow not as worthy as the families already traveling
• Worrying about the things I don't know about that I should have done and will only learn I need to do when I have very little time to do them because I'll have my LOI and need to go

Truly, the waiting is an every day occurrence which you don't actively think about on most days, it is just there. I only begin to think deeply about waiting when something occurs that gives substance to the period of time I'm waiting.

Days like the one last week when I was purchasing 5th birthday gifts for my friend's son John. He was just a newborn when his mother wrote her reference letter for my home study. It is hard because I begin to think I've missed something during this waiting time. My girlfriend and I talked about how my child and her son would be friends and we'd have play dates.

Waiting is hard, that is a fact, but what always sustains me is the belief that there is a child waiting for me and I just have to be patient because he/she may not to ready yet.

Summer's a Fine Time to Wait

Yup, I'm still waiting. My file has been in Kazakhstan for over a year now. I hope to learn more in the fall about when I'll travel. I've heard that there have been no LOI for Uralsk so far this year. I'd thought that I would have traveled in the fall of '09, now I'd be delighted to travel in '10.

So, I guess I have the summer to enjoy.

What Were They Thinking

Sometimes....

I've been telling the staff at my sister's group home about my adoption plans since they began. Last month when I knew I'd be going to Uralsk, I told the staff that I would be away from Canada for roughly 3 months. They responded that my sister would miss me.

Something seemed to be missing. I would have liked to have discussed some plan to help my sister who is profoundly developmentally understand that I am away and I will return. We've lost both our parents, Dad 9 years ago and Mom almost 6 years ago. I want my sister to know that I am coming back. Leaving Kathryn and not having a means of communicating with her is a huge worry for me. Kathryn can't use the telephone, and I don't think she'd understand seeing me on a computer via Skype, she might think I'm really some where close, it would be more upsetting than helpful I fear.

On Tuesday Kathryn had a dental appointment, she sedated so it is a LONG appointment for us, we arrive at 8:30 and got out of the office around 2:30. While we sit and watch her sleep, her main care giver and I have a long time to chat. So I revisited the issue of me being away for so long.

Hello, the staff at the home didn't put it together: Me away = Kathryn doesn't go home on the weekend. What were they thinking??????

As I type this Kathryn is lying on the couch watching her favourite tv show Lawrence Welk. It has always been MY decision to bring my sister home on weekends. There is a lot of work involved with caring for my sister, something I love to do. But think of this, my sister's abilities are equal to a 2 year old. She cannot take care of herself or any of her personal needs. She can feed herself, but again, think 2 years old- how does spaghetti sauce get all over your hair, an unexpected 3rd shower to wash hair at bed time isn't totally unusual. And the laundry, well it isn't unusual for me to find myself doing 5 to 7 loads of her laundry on the weekend, and this is only the stuff she uses when she is with me. This to me is normal. I've dealt with it my whole life. I'm not complaining, just stating a fact.

I live with my brother, and it is with his support that I am able to care for Kathryn. BUT the group home staff thought that my brother would continue to bring her home like usual while I'm out of the country. I don't bring my sister home if my brother is away for the weekend. You cannot care for a profoundly developmentally handicapped adult alone and work at a full time job. Oh, never mind that we, my brother and I, might actually like to have a life. The staff member actually got mad and said my brother had to step up.

Taking my sister home on weekends is a choice, it is not a requirement. Of her 7 housemates, only 3 of the other girls go home, and that is to with their parents. We are Kathryn's siblings. We adore her, but we do not have to take care of her. My brother is ever so patient with my sister, and I know he will be wonderful with his niece/nephew. But that's the point, he will be an uncle, not a parent. Truly, what are our obligations as siblings?

I now have to make an appointment with the supervisor to discuss how we are going to deal with the fact I'm going to be away for such a long time. You'd think 4 years would have been enough prep time.

5 Years Ago

This week marks the fifth anniversary of one of the most difficult weeks of my life. I was teaching grade 2/3 at the time and helping my students finish their unauthorized biographies of their mothers. (I have to tell you those books were the most precious texts, and the best idea I'd ever had for a Mother's Day gift. Many of the Moms tell me the book is their most prized possession. The children wrote about their mother's likes, dislikes, goals, fears, favourite and most hated things, all from their 6 and 7 year old perspectives.)

Anyway, back to why that week was so bad. My mom had passed away the year previously and I had moved my little sister into her group home 8 months earlier. I was feeling very down. Then some trivial thing happened, can't remember what exactly, and I started crying and crying (luckily I got myself out of the classroom and had a friend take over). For anyone who doesn't know me, this was completely out of character. I'm very much in control of my emotions, I've even been called cold by some 'friends'. I'm the kind of person who tears up a bit at a sentimental commercial or sad movies, but with my own life I'm more likely to be making a joke and laughing.

My principal at the time brought me into her office and made me a cup of tea. She tried consoling me but I kept saying I didn't know why I was crying. She finally said I was probably grieving my mother as the weekend would be the first Mother's Day without her.

I knew that wasn't the case. Don't get me wrong, I really miss my mother and I think about her every day. Even though I lived with my mother, I still called her multiple times a day to chat and in her final few years I worked close enough to come home for lunch a couple of times a week. Mom and I were very close. But we never celebrated Mother's Day in May. In our house, we celebrated in on September as that when my brother and I were born.

As I told my principal, that no it wasn't my mother that I was missing, the truth hit me. I would never have a child make me a Mother's Day gift. I'd never have a little one to love and raise as my own. At that point the tears really began to fall.

Practical and blunt as she always was, my principal said, "Well, why don't you go out and get yourself pregnant." I looked at her in shock. Oh, maybe I should mention, besides being single, I actually teach for a Catholic school board.

She laughed at my shocked face. And then she said, "If being pregnant and single isn't for you, why don't you adopt a child? You are a wonderful teacher and you would be a wonderful parent."

That night I began researching adoptions. I didn't begin my actual journey/paperwork right away as I knew I still needed to do some healing with the loss of my mother and my feelings about moving my sister into a group home. But that night, I began those first steps to motherhood, 5 years ago this week.